Sorry, I'm not home right now
I'm walking into spiderwebs
So leave a message
And I'll call you back
A likely story, but —
leave a message
And I'll call you back
— Gwen Stefani &
Tony Kanal, 1995
Most of us have phobias of some kind. They range from acrophobia, an extreme fear of heights, to aquaphobia, a morbid fear of water or swimming. For most of my life I've been haunted by what is known as Arachnophobia, a fear of spiders and other arachnids such as ticks and scorpions. No matter what I do to try to cure my fears — nothing ever seems to help. As a matter of fact, on my very first day in Sofia, I made sure the very first Bulgarian word I learned was payac — meaning spider in English.
Sarah and most of our friends in Sofia found that rather funny. And to be quite honest, arachnophobia can be quite funny and embarrassing when an itsy bitsy spider can easily trigger a frightening alarm inside of me, usually posing the question from friends, strangers and even perhaps myself — how can you be afraid of something 20x smaller than you? Well, that's the point. Most phobias are irrational and don't make any sense. It's the fear that actually makes the sense. Because in my case, it really doesn't matter the size or type of spider — every single one of them send chills right up my spine.
Most phobias can be traced back to a person's early childhood. For instance, the unreasoning fear of water may be based on an early childhood experience of almost drowning. A couple of years ago I recently traced the origins of my arachnophobia right back to a few traumatic childhood events. Two being incidents I saw on television and the other a real life experience.
In the mid 70s, I would get the ultimate spider fright of my life during one of the many occasions when me and my siblings would gather around the television set after dinner to watch The Brady Bunch, an American sitcom that featured a rather large number of siblings not unlike my own family. It happened after witnessing Peter Brady, middle son and character that I identified with the most, almost get bitten by a large tarantula during the Brady's Hawaii Bound episodes. Another occurred during Saturday morning television after seeing Electra Woman almost get devoured by an army of tarantulas on the Sid & Marty Krofft children's television series Electra Woman & Dyna Girl, featuring Deidre Hall and Judy Strangis in a campier spoof of the 60's Batman series.
Both of those television episodes were indeed traumatic for me — but nothing would compare to what happened to me in real life. You see, about 2 years after seeing tarantulas almost bite Peter and devour Electra Woman, I would find myself hanging out in bushy fielded area with 3 of my older siblings, Sylvester, Stevie, and Carlos, to experience a fright far more torturing than any television show could display.
For thrills, my older brothers used to trap giant golden silk orb-weavers inside glass jars — examining them and sometimes even dangling the jar in my face. It scared the daylights out me. Seeing these large orb-weaver's up-close, with their unusual reddish and yellowish colors, instantaneously gave me a dizzy feeling to the point of where I felt like passing out. I mean, I was only 6 years old — never in my wildest dreams had I imagined a spider could grow that large! This moment left me with 8 legged nightmares and changed the way I saw the arachnid for the rest of my life.
But just as television played an important role in the development of my arachnophobia, ironically, the tele would also play a huge role in the development of my adoring affection for the 8 legged arthropod. After repeated viewings of the Hanna-Barbera movie adaptation of Charlotte's Web during my latter childhood — and as I got older, repeated readings of E.B. White's 1952 children's novel of the same name, about a pig named Wilbur who is saved from being slaughtered by an intelligent spider named Charlotte, I became oddly fascinated with spiders. I truly love watching and studying these amazing and fearless creatures. As I got older, one of my favorite pass times was occasionally visiting the Insect Zoo at the Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of Natural History in Washington, DC, where they previously housed some of the world's most deadliest spiders known to man, such as Sydney's infamous funnel-web spider, the black widow, the Brazilian wandering spider, The Redback, and the U.S.A.'s very own native brown recluse spider.
For the longest time I've always thought that no matter how much I adored Charlotte's Web, my love and relationship with the real Charlotte would always have a thick glass between us. As a matter of fact, my modo was, if I see a spider in the house, kill it fast — before it kills me! One night while staying in a hotel in London, Sarah and I were both unsuccessful in trying to kill a vicious wolf spider I spotted right before bed time. Well, to cut a long story short, let's just say I stayed up until the crack of dawn that night.
But nothing lasts forever, because in recent times I have been putting my phobia to the test by sharing my space with one rather harry and scary-looking friend. You see, after acquiring Xena Bubalechka, Sarah and I also acquired a garage to keep her in. The garage is located directly below our condo and has an old school sliding door to gain access.
Well, on one sunny morning in September, before dragging Xena off to work — there she was clinging on the back side of the garage door in the center of a very large web. It was the most beautiful orb-weaver spider I'd ever seen in my whole life. She gave me instant hives at first glance. But as I stood there trance-like, I felt a mysterious calm inside of me. The spider seemed to be staring right at me. After I came to my senses, I deviously thought of how I was going to kill her. I searched the garage for something good enough, or shall I say — something safe enough to do the job. But nothing came up. No worries, I'd just go find something in the apartment to do the trick, I told myself. So I came back with a broom in hand. But before I could make the swing for her beautiful yellow and greenish stripy body — my hand and arm stiffened up.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill her. Something had taken over me. I wasn't sure what it was. But whatever it was — the orb-weaver wasn't going to die. At least not yet. I was also anxious to show her to Sarah. And after show and tell, Sarah was a bit surprised and worried at my newly found bravery — worried because she knew this orb-weaver could possibly be a problem for me in the future trying to get inside of the garage each day. So with a sarcastic giggle, Sarah asked, "should I put her down for you, big guy?"
You see, unlike me, Sarah hasn't an ounce of arachnophobia in her body. And in a pinch, if getting rid of an unwanted spider gets too risky for me, she's been like a hired hitman around the house and other places where spiders roam.
And believe me, I was still considering it. I thought of all the possible dangers that might happen. I imagined one morning after this spider had an unsuccessful night of hunting food, breakfast-less, hungry and angry then taking a leap for my throat! The very thought of this frightened the nerves out of me. But with my eyes still glued tight on the spider, I hesitantly quipped back to Sarah, "no. Not this time. Let's keep her around. Maybe seeing her everyday might help me get over my phobia." So at that moment, with a grin on my face, I christened my new friend Charlotte and welcomed her into the family.
Little did I know at that time, my friend Charlotte would come in more handy than I originally thought. You see, about a month after my daily routine of going in and out of a web-draped garage door, where a giant orb-weaver spider dangled, I felt like I was starting to become cured of my phobia. It was a wonderful feeling that I can't quite describe. But the story gets better. After hanging around the garage one evening after work, watching Charlotte spin a new web, I got a call from Marianne Stanicheva, the casting director at Nu Image Films. Ironically, she told me that they were interested in seeing me read for a possible role in an upcoming film called Spiders 3D.
I couldn't believe it! I had to ask her to repeat it again to make sure I wasn't hearing things. But she said it, again with clarity. How about that!?! Me in a movie about spiders! I mean, besides loving spiders, I'd always been a fan of the spider film genre ever since I saw William Shatner in the cult classic Kingdom Of The Spiders back in 1977, which, by the way, was another film that aided in my development of arachnophobia. After I hung up the phone with Marianne, as silly as it may sound, I thought to myself — If I get this role, I could possibly go down in history as an actor who played in a cult spider movie along side the other cult classics such as the aforementioned Kingdom of The Spiders, Arachnophobia, Ice Spiders, and Tarantula, Clint Eastwood's first ever film role — just to name a few.
Speaking of getting the role — for this episode, I think it will be appropriate to fill you in on my actual audition process for the first time. And this time, I was more nervous than a black man on trial in a southern courtroom. Mainly because it was something that I wanted so badly. So badly that it almost hurt. And not to come off as prima donna or anything like that, but I didn't just want to appear in the spider film role of a lifetime delivering a small part or one speaking line. No. This time I wanted to land an important role. One that viewers would surely remember. So I cracked the whip on myself.
And I cracked that sucker hard, too. I stayed up late in the night studying my lines, getting them down to perfection. I lost sleep due to nervousness. And it didn't help matters much to find out that Spiders 3D would be directed by none other than Tibor Takács, the director of The Gate, an all time classic and top 50 horror film on my list of The Greatest Horror Films You Must See Before You Die. But even with all the nervousness, I endured the test and all my hard work paid off in the end. On audition day — I nailed it.
Some pig.
And if you don't mind — please excuse me while I brag for a moment or two. Because the audition went so well for me that after a second read-through, with the director present, he couldn't decide where to place me in the film. However, to relieve my worries of getting a smaller role, he did tell me that the role I would receive would be an important one. So needless to say, he was quite impressed with my acting. He even called me a natural after learning that I had no previous acting or coaching experience prior to the 4 previous films that I had appeared in.
And of course, this was indeed music to my ears to hear the director of The Gate pay me this kind of compliment. It also made me think for a minute that all this time, I may have been missing my true calling in life. And to cut a long story short, and most importantly, to not give away the film's plot, the director eventually casted me in the role of a young soldier, 18 years old to be precise, standing guard at an apartment under quarantine. I appear throughout the film in several scenes, including a cool bloody fight scene and a heroic act where I save two young girls. It was the important role in the film I was hoping for.
Terrific.
When I got home I did a couple of rounds of my Happy Dance right in the middle of the living room. But I didn't celebrate too long. Now that I secured my dream role in a spider movie, I wanted to make sure when the time came to shoot, I'd deliver a standout performance — so for the next few days before they called me in, I spent all my free time at home practicing and perfecting my lines in the mirror. Something I usually don't do. I normally tend to go with the method acting route.
And speaking of filming my parts, Spider 3D was some of the most fun I had since working on Re-Kill. And Mr. Tibor Takacs was a big reason for this. He was truly the best director I have ever worked with so far. We got along great and even bonded over old school horror films. He was also patient and made me feel relaxed during shoots, at times even coaching me through a lot of my tough emotional scenes. He was also cool about letting me and the other actors ad-lib our lines if necessary, making me feel like a part of the creative process. So technically, you can say that I wrote a good chunk of my own dialog in this film.
Radiant.
Speaking of actors, the cast for Spiders 3D was truly a pleasure and treat to work with. The film included the likes of Patrick Muldoon (Starship Troopers, Stigmata), the ultra-sexy Christa Campbell (The Wicker Man, Day Of The Dead), veteran actor William Hope (Aliens, Sherlock Holmes), the beautiful Shelly Varod (Universal Soldier, The Blue Line), and last but not least, the adorable Sydney Sweeney (The Ward, Zombies Of Mass Destruction), a spectacular up and coming child actor who was simply wonderful to work with.
Besides being cute, adorable and sweet — at only 13, Sydney displayed the utmost maturity and professionalism on and off set. She shared her past experiences with me of working other films, including one with the great John Carpenter, and the challenges of having a personal tutor travel with her on film locations. And thankfully, she wasn't the least bit bothered by me and most of the cast's countless and curious questions regarding her life as a child actor. It was as if even she understood just how interesting the subject was.
And ironically, Sydney just so happens to be cousin to the Robert Vaughn, the actor best remembered for his role in The Man From U.N.C.L.E., an all time favorite television spy series of mine that I devoted countless hours watching in my childhood. And never in my wildest dreams did I think I would one day work on a film with Napolean Solo's cousin! Too cool!
Sydney and I also had a pretty challenging scene to shoot together. It involved me carrying her about 15 ft across a room and tossing her down on a sofa. Hard. And we had to shoot it several times to make it look as real and violent as possible. And being that Sydney's a seemingly fragile girl — before and after each take, I continued asking, "Are you sure I'm not hurting you?"
But like a girl far beyond her years, she insisted rather playfully, but with a hint of seriousness, "not at all, Owen. Grab me tighter and throw me down harder. I can take it." Her attitude was — do whatever you need to do to get the scene right. I'm telling you, she was just that cool and professional about her craft. Another instance of her brilliance came during a crying scene that involved us. And although, I didn't have to cry in this movie, she generously taught me a pretty cool method on how to build up sad emotions before the camera rolled.
Speaking of cool people, Patrick Muldoon, the main character and star of the film, was pretty cool, too. I first met him in the make up room during a traumatic event I had to endure. Yeah, you guessed it. Once again, I had to cut the old hair down military-style to fit the part. Nevertheless, Patrick helped ease the situation for me. He joked and laughed the entire time, making me forget all about my long curly locks falling to the ground. After this, I just knew right away we'd get on well. Oh, and while I'm on the subject — the hairdresser did a pretty wonderful job on my new hair. I even got a handful of compliments from the female cast and crew afterwards. And most importantly, when I got home that night, Sarah seemed to genuinely like it short, too. But I still miss my long haired hippy-look. Can't wait for it to grow back.
Although Patrick joked and clowned around in the make-up room, on the set and during the shoot for Spiders 3D, he was quite serious about his craft. And he was good at it, too. I even learned a thing or two from him after Tibor pretty much allowed him to choreograph our whole fight scene and dialogue together. A pretty heated dialogue between Patrick, Christa and my character that, by the way, included me dropping the 'F' Bomb. Patrick was pretty envious that I was the only character in the film that got the privilege use foul language. But I guess, being that Pat's character was the main hero in the film, Tibor insisted that he stay pretty straight-laced and in control.
Our fight scene involved Pat brutally choking and body slamming me to the ground several times to get shots from different angles. I was pretty bruised and banged up at the end of the shoot. And while I'm on the subject — shooting a 3D movie was some of the hardest shooting I'd ever endured so far. I won't go into the technical details regarding 3D shooting, mainly because I know very little about the process, but basically, to get the 3D effect precise, the actors had to do long continuous takes.
And if you don't mind — please excuse me while I brag for a moment or two — again. But on my very last day of the shooting Spiders 3D, I was paid one of the highest complements a new actor could get from one of the most important people involved with the film. You see, while limping back to the casting area after my brutal fight scene, the film's producer Israel Ringel (Day Of The Dead, Universal Soldier) waved me over to the playback monitor. Israel's a seemingly quiet, older gentleman who, I'm told, rarely shows up on set. And with a demeanor liken to that of Don Corleone, I was a bit nervous when he asked me, "where you from, kid? And how long you been acting?"
After a dry swallow, I could barely get out the words, "I'm from Washington, D.C., sir. Been acting just a little over a year, now."
His face paused with the look of disbelief. He looked me dead in the eye for what seemed like the longest 5 seconds I'd ever encountered and said, "The camera likes you, kid. You're gonna be a big star."
With the same look of disbelief he had on his face, I told him, "not me, sir. No way."
He looked back at me rather seriously, then sternly said, "no. I'm telling you. You're going to be a big star."
Before he turned away to finish watching the playback monitor, he shook my hand and said, "give your number to my secretary, kid."
That moment was one of the biggest highlights of my life because getting props from the producer just proved that my hard work didn't go unnoticed. It also made me think back to that one faithful day, just a little over a year ago, when Sarah suggested that I try out for a film role in Sofia. I remembered laughing at the mere thought of it. Never did I imagine that a year later I'd have 5 film titles under my belt and a huge compliment from a film producer to add to it.
And even if time proves that Mr. Ringel's predictions were incorrect, it really won't matter to me. The mere fact that he took the time out to pay me such a high praise makes me feel like I'm a big star already. So eat your heart out, Mr. Eastwood! If you can make the transition from a cult spider flick into a legendary actor and director — then who says I can't?
Humble.
Okay, maybe not humble. But one should understand that after a once in a lifetime experience acting in a spider movie — a brother needed to get his brag on.
Anyway, after Spiders 3D wrapped, the next morning it was back to work at the American English Academy where I teach upper-level art and dance. And like every morning before work, I headed downstairs to the garage to get Xena and say good morning to Charlotte. But this time when I opened the garage door, I was met with a sudden and sad surprise. Charlotte and her web seemed to vanish into thin air. I searched every corner of the garage hoping to find a trace, but there was no sign of my 8 legged friend or her giant webbed home.
I was puzzled by her disappearance. Besides the daily movement of the sliding garage door, she'd given me no other sign or warning that she was unhappy in the garage. My first thoughts were being that it was Fall and the temperatures had dropped considerably low, she might have packed up and left for warmer pastures. I kept coming up with all kinds of different theories of her whereabouts to keep me from thinking the dreaded thought of her passing away in the night.
However, there was one theory that I came up with that I'd like believe most. That Charlotte left to go try and cure some other spider-fearing person. Perhaps that was her calling in life. But even my magical-make-believe theory couldn't keep me from feeling sad on the way in to work that morning.
Speaking of work, I guess I should give you all an update on how everything is going. Well, in a word or two — it's been going pretty fantastic. And although it's been quite challenging, I am also enjoying my newly acquired 40 plus kids in my after school hip hop dance class. But on my first day back, I found out rather quickly that word of my acting career had gotten around. It was something that I was hoping to keep private. Mainly from the students — hoping to avoid class interruptions regarding questions about the films and so forth. Nevertheless, I suppose they would eventually find out once the films hit the theaters and DVDs. So I'd better start learning to deal with an all new kind of celebrity status.
Another thing I notice on my first day back, was that my body had stiffened up on me after that brutal fight scene. And to make matters worse, after showing my hip hop dance students a few new breakdance moves, I unfortunately managed to dislocate something in my lower back, leaving me even stiffer. I know, I know — I'm getting old. Anyway, to ease the aches and pains, the good old bath tub has become my best friend. So after work, and sometimes even before, I sprinkle a little of Sarah's lavender sea salt into the water — and after an hour, I'm feeling good and relaxed.
On a recent occasion, after dunking my head deep down into the water to clear the cobwebs from my ears, I spotted a tiny little creature crawling on the very tip of the faucet above me. After wiping the water clean from my eyes, upon closer observation I could see that it was the cutest little orb-weaver I'd ever seen in my whole life. It looked just like a baby version of my long lost friend Charlotte and seemed to be smiling down on me.
As I sat trance-like in the warm salty tub water, watching closely as the little spiderling dangled on the end of its tiny web like a child playing swing time on a playground — suddenly I realized that I wasn't scared at all. As a matter of fact, I felt quite content.
Be seeing you.
O
